Tuesday, August 28, 2007


not my chair, not my apartment, not my house. eh, it's probably all for the best. time to go home.

my iBook was born again, and i got enough social stuff to remind me of the good and the bad. i'll come back and visit some, perhaps a little more often than before.

picked up the Intro Mechanics book (Kleppner/Kolenkow) that i never had, but should have if my old advisor at Cornell had actually advised me instead of just signing off on my proposed course schedule no matter how unrealistic. better late.

best case reality (for me) == resignation mingled with optimism

i'm signed up for another college class for fall semester, this time in the CS department instead of English; maybe i'll be less of a misfit in computer science than the other.

is it so wrong to be human after all?
[ Level 42 ]

cheesy? not not.

Saturday, August 11, 2007


do you ever have contradictory feelings for things (or people) in your life?

i sure do.

if you're reading this, you're probably on a computer; i certainly used a computer to write it on. but sometimes i really dislike being so tied to computers, and i long for the days when i would sit in the shade of some big tree on the Arts quad. no laptop, no cell phone (not that i have one now), no bother. just whatever book that had caught my fancy -- Michael Crichton or Stephen King or maybe even George Eliot -- probably instead of the 3rd or 4th semester Calculus i should have been studying (which is part of why i became an English major instead of staying in physics).

or the ocean. every time i go to the ocean i think about somehow arranging a little shack in the dunes (legally or illegally) and abandoning my life of computers and electronics. it's a nice dream -- one of my favorites.

if i can be creative while i'm on the computer, i like it ok; but mostly it's just a diversion. mostly i'm not doing creative stuff; mostly it's just killing time. i end up spending time on the computer instead of with people, because it's so much easier. i don't mean this as a judgement on anyone else; this is just my own personal dissatisfaction with being married to technology.

when i was seven or eight, and i got my first computer, i thought it was *great*. i suppose it appealed to the mathematical side of me -- the logic and structure -- and i had lots of fun "playing" (writing programs and getting them to run). nobody said "Careful, or you may end up spending much of you life looking at a computer screen." and i probably wouldn't have listened to them, even if they had. some days i still like computers; and some days i feel like i've sold out to the military-industrial complex

for the past couple of months, i've been doing basically all my writing on paper (instead of a compuer), and it's been a different experience. the fiction that i've been working on is mostly about a character given a chance to make some different choices in his life and in his past -- choosing to not be part of our mechanized & electrified society, for instance. it's a story i might well not have written on a computer; and now that it's getting to the point that i should transfer it to the computer (before it gets any longer), i've been hesitating. i'm almost happier with it on thirty pages of haphazard print, in pen & pencil, with lots of crossings out and emendations and changes. maybe it's better that way.

[i'll get to the contradictory-feelings about-people thing next time.]